The Good Life

If we who call ourselves “Christ followers” are called to be experts in anything, it’s forgiveness.  We must be experts in receiving forgiveness, otherwise we remain in condemnation.  We must be experts in granting forgiveness, otherwise we’re missing the point entirely.

One of the hardest, thorniest and most difficult things we humans are ever called upon to do is to respond to evil with kindness, and to forgive the unforgivable.  Yet study after study shows that one of the keys to longevity and good health is to develop a habit of gratitude and let go of past hurts.

Forgive the unforgivable. It really is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. Your enemy may not deserve to be forgiven for all the pain and sadness and suffering purposefully inflicted on your life, but you deserve to be free of this evil.  As Ann Landers often said, “hate is like an acid. It destroys the vessel in which it is stored.”

TIPS TO BE A BETTER FORGIVER

Put your best mental energies (perhaps first thing in the morning) into visualizing the new life you want. See yourself – in the future – as free of this pain and suffering.

Keep the following quotes in mind if you’re finding it hard to generate positive feelings for the person:

• “Those who are the hardest to love, need it the most.”
• “Follow peace with all men, and holiness,” -Hebrews 12:14″
• “As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.”
• “Hating someone is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die from it.”
• “If we could read the secret history of our enemies we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
• “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” – The Golden Rule (Luke 6:31)
• “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.”- Philo of Alexandria
• Sometimes it helps to think of how others have forgiven under incredible circumstances. Ask friends for support and examples to motivate you toward forgiveness.
• Forgiveness is a choice. When you say, “I can’t forgive that person,” what you’re really saying is, “I’m choosing not to forgive that person.” If you say it the second way instead, you’ll find yourself forgiving soon.

Keep these four points in mind when forgiving someone:

• Do not bring up the situation up to yourself.
• Do not bring up the situation to the offender.
• Treat the offender as if it never happened.
• Do not talk about the situation to others.

Fair Warning

True forgiveness is unconditional and not predicated on any act or request from the offender. The type of forgiveness discussed here is intended to free you from the impotent rage, depression, and despair that nursing a grievance causes.

An offender who wants reconciliation must do his or her part: offer a sincere apology, promise not to repeat the offense (or similar ones), make amends, and give it time. If you don’t see repentance, understand that according forgiveness to that person is a benefit to yourself, not to the offender. However, forgiveness of this type must be applied with wisdom and discernment. Sometimes the forgiveness we grant must be accompanied by a healthy avoidance of those who are unrepentant of the harm that they have inflicted upon us.

This article about forgiveness incorporates the contributions of others at WikiHow.com, and as such all text in this article is released under the same Create Commons License that governs WikiHow content.

If we who call ourselves “Christ followers” are called to be experts in anything, it’s forgiveness.  We must be experts in receiving forgiveness, otherwise we remain in condemnation.  We must be experts in granting forgiveness, otherwise we’re missing the point entirely.

One of the hardest, thorniest and most difficult things we humans are ever called upon to do is to respond to evil with kindness, and to forgive the unforgivable.  Yet study after study shows that one of the keys to longevity and good health is to develop a habit of gratitude and let go of past hurts.

Forgive the unforgivable. It really is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. Your enemy may not deserve to be forgiven for all the pain and sadness and suffering purposefully inflicted on your life, but you deserve to be free of this evil.  As Ann Landers often said, “hate is like an acid. It destroys the vessel in which it is stored.”

HOW BE A BETTER FORGIVER

1. Realize that the hate you feel toward your enemy does not harm him or her in the slightest.

   Chances are, your enemy has gone on with life and hasn’t given you another thought.

2. Make a list of the good things that happened as a result of your experience.

   You’ve probably focused long enough on the bad parts of this experience.  Look at the problem from a wholly new angle; look at the good side. The first item on that list may be a long time coming because you’ve focused on the bad for so long, but don’t give up. See if you can identify ten good things that happened specifically because of this experience.

3. Look for the helpers.

   Did you know that television’s Mr. Rogers has spoken in our chapel?  It was a few years ago, but he’s the kind of guy who makes a memorable impression.  He related that, as a little boy, he’d often become upset about major catastrophes in the news.  His mother would tell him, “look for the helpers.”

   In your own nightmarish experience, think back to the people who helped you. Think about their kindness and unselfishness.

4. Look at the bigger picture.

   Was someone your “Good Samaritan?”  In this biblical story, a traveler happens upon a poor soul who had been beaten, robbed and left for dead. It’s a lot easier to play the part of the Good Samaritan than to be the poor soul who is left bleeding and bruised on the side of the road. Perhaps this isn’t all about you. Perhaps your trial provided an opportunity for others to rise to an occasion to provide you with help and support.

5. Be compassionate with yourself.
   
   If you’ve ruminated over this problem for a long time, steering this boat into a new direction could take some time, too. As you try to make a new path out of the dark woods of this old hurt, you’ll make mistakes.

   Forgive yourself.  Be patient and kind to yourself.  Extreme emotional pain has a profound effect on the body.  Give yourself time to heal – physically and emotionally.  Eat well.  Rest.  Focus on the natural beauty in the world.

6. Untie.

   The Aramaic word for “forgive” means literally to “untie.” The fastest way to free yourself from an enemy and all associated negativity is to forgive. Untie the bindings and loose yourself from that person’s ugliness. Your hatred has tied you to the person responsible for your pain. Your forgiveness enables you to start walking away from him or her and the pain.

7. Stop telling “the story.”
   
   How many times this week did you tell “the story” about how badly you were hurt and how horribly you were wronged? How many times a day do you think about this hurt? It is a stake driven into the ground that keeps you from moving away from this hurt. Rather, forgive your enemy because it’s the kindest thing you can do for your friends and family. Negativity is depressing, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.
8. Tell “the story” from the other person’s perspective.
   
   Actually imagine that you are the other person (the one who offended you) and use the word “I” when saying what that person would say. You probably don’t know exactly what s/he was thinking when this event unfolded but pretend that you do, and just go with the story that comes up in your head.

   Sit down with a friend, or maybe even the person you are trying to forgive, and tell the story as though you are that person. It is important to do this verbally and not just in your head. Realize in advance that this is not an easy exercise, but it holds great power. Just your willingness to tell the story from the offender’s perspective requires a bit of forgiveness.

   Realize that this is not a contradiction to #7 (above) since this perspective will change your story.

9. Retrain your thinking.
   
   When your enemy and his or her evil actions come to mind, send him or her a blessing.  Wish your enemy well.  Hope the best for him or her.

   This neutralizes that acid of hate that destroys the vessel in which it is stored. The evil we wish for another seems to have a rebound effect. The same is true for the good that we wish for another. When you make yourself able to return blessing for hatred, you’ll know that you’re well on the path to wholeness.

   The first 15 – or 150 – times you try this, the “blessing” may feel contrived, empty, and even hypocritical but keep trying. Eventually, it will become a new habit and soon thereafter, the anger and pain that has burned in your heart will evaporate, like dew before the morning sun.

   This technique forces your mind to overcome the cognitive dissonance between hating someone and acting with compassion toward him or her.

   Since there is no way to take back the kind gesture to agree with your hatred, the only thing your mind can do is change your belief about the person to match. You will begin to say to yourself, “S/he is deserving of a blessing, and indeed, must need one very much.”

10. Maintain perspective.
    
    While the “evil” actions of your “enemy” are hurtful to you and your immediate surroundings, the rest of the world goes on unaware. Validate their meaning in your life, but never lose perspective that others are not involved and do not deserve anything to be taken out on them.

    Your enemy is someone else’s beloved child, someone’s employee, or a child’s parent.

This article about forgiveness incorporates the contributions of others at WikiHow.com, and as such all text in this article is released under the same Create Commons License that governs WikiHow content.